I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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