he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
