I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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