Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
