if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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