i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
