Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can't talk, ducks in the car
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
