No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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