Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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