Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
