If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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