jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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