did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
