Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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