What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
