I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
