I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
