In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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