My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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