I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
