My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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