i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
