I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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