The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
