I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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