When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
