Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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