I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How's work?
Spinning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
