My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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