it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
