His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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