He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
