My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
