Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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