I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
