So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
