seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
