im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
