oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
