My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
