fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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