No awkward lesbian experiences without me
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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