The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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