And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
