I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize