Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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