I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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