I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
