apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
