i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he was CRYING into my vagina
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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