i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize