at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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