every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
