UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
