I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
