i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
