I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
