the condom got lost in my hair
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
