Your mouth is God's brothel.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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