Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
