i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
