Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize