I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
