peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
