We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
